Over the this many [holds up hands, twiddles fingers] years I’ve been alive, I’ve actually learned a thing or two. Please allow me to share with you just a few of my Protips for Existence.
- PROTIP #1: If you’re ever granted three wishes, your first wish should be “No funny business.” In fact, you might as well end every wish with “And none of that Twilight-Zone-careful-what-you-wish-for nonsense.”
- PROTIP #2: A surprising majority of the original Twilight Zone series can be summed up with “Careful what you wish for.”
- PROTIP #3: If you suspect you are in a Twilight Zone episode, MAKE NO WISHES.
- PROTIP #4: If anyone ever asks you to guess her age, say your own age. That way, if she gets offended, YOU can get offended.
- PROTIP #5: Donuts? Don’t mind if I do.
As I continue to learn how to be an adult human being, I will be sure to share more Protips. I promise that fewer of them will be related to the Twilight Zone in the future…
…OR WILL THEY?